How do you feel about confrontation?  I recently had a conversation with my bestie about confrontation and it got me thinking – and now here we are 🙂

I would refer to myself as non-confrontational because I don’t like confrontation.  However my thoughts now have me questioning this about myself.  Is it that I don’t like confrontation, or is it that I am afraid of confrontation?  And perhaps I don’t like it because of the fear. When I was growing up I was put in a position of confrontation on a regular basis with someone who should have been supporting me and providing an opportunity for me to learn the benefits of defending my rights.  However it was done in such a way that led me to believe that my rights were few.  Sometimes wounds from the past impose limitations on us that we never really question. Part of loving ourselves is questioning the habits that we have created to be comfortable and to have faith in ourselves that we can be and we can do more. 

Confrontation is really just a discussion with a high charge of energy.  I don’t back away from conversation or discussion, however when that element of fire is added to it, then I no longer wish to participate.  This is now an exchange of emotion between 2 or more and it is here where we can observe energy in motion (Chakra 2) up close and personal. 

How about you?  Do you back down from confrontation, or do you participate? Do you initiate confrontation? 

I have been spending a lot of time studying the effects of planetary energy and the birth-chart and I have found that the placement of the moon in a birth-chart has an impact on our comfort with confrontation. The moon’s gravitational pull can have an effect on our emotions – the moon goes through cycles where she shows more of herself at certain times through the cycle, just as we go through our ups and downs and may have a tendency to reveal more or less of ourselves at times.  Depending on where the moon falls in your birth-chart, this may have an influence on how you show your feelings and emotions and how fiery you might be.

In reflecting on my perceived fear of confrontation, and me being me, I started to think deeply about the fears I have felt in the past when finding myself in the line of fire.  Because of my comfort level with confrontation, I am not the spark.  So is that because I am not confident in my beliefs?  Do I refrain from speaking up because I don’t care? Or don’t care enough?  Or is it because I don’t care enough about me?  Sometimes I think I am lazy and I want to conserve that energy that is precious and can be used for more worthwhile things than having a “heated” discussion about something that in my mind is not worthy of that much attention. This may of course provide further fuel to the spark or “sparker” 🙂

If you think about being dismissed when you are trying to explain your point of view, it can be demeaning. We all have a personal need to be validated – that is more of the fire in us.  It’s just more of a bonfire for some people – and smoldering coals for others. Everyone has a point of view and everyone is allowed to express it – however there is a difference between express and oppress. It is a kind gesture to listen – and it is becoming a lost art.  I am guilty of this because there are times when my mind is in idea mode – and it can be off figuring something out when I should be listening to the person who is speaking to me.  That’s the air in my birth-chart – and we all know what air can do to fire!

Given that air can be either beneficial or detrimental to fire, I am re-thinking my personal views on confrontation.  Well it’s not just about the air -it’s more about the fact that if I am loving me, then I can be strong and recognize the heat and fire of confrontation for what it is, and that is someone else’s energy.  Am I going to allow the situation to diminish my boundaries and rob me of my energy? Am I going to allow a hot fiery clash to rob me of my beliefs and my views? Some of the confrontations that I have faced in the past left me feeling whipped – my energy gone – and not only is that not acceptable, it’s not healthy – mentally, emotionally and physically. Furthermore, just because it is uncomfortable doesn’t mean that I should avoid it.  At the risk of repeating myself, there is much to learn in dis-comfort. Resilience is another mode of fire 🙂

Besides, perhaps the person or the people with whom we are facing in conversation, discussion or confrontation are showing up in our life to teach us something.  Perhaps they are the ones who are going to shine some light on our fears and provide the opportunity to confront them and shift that energy out.  Nothing is resolved when we walk away from confrontation or avoid a heated situation; it only creates larger flames for the next time.  When we don’t engage with someone who is asking for our attention, what is that telling them?  Every situation is different and I understand that some situations need to be handled with extreme care.

I do believe that when we truly begin to love ourselves, then the change in our energy that we experience as a result of that, will give us the personal power that we need when it is needed. I look back now on some of the situations that I backed away from and wonder how the outcome could have been different if I had just stood my ground.  We earn respect when we are able to do that.  I have come through some difficult situations and when I finally started realizing that loving me and caring for me, starts with me, then I began to feel stronger about doing that.  Furthermore, the people with whom we are conversing will sense how we feel about ourselves in how we project our energy. There are many who will take advantage of a situation when their perception is that they hold the power.

I continue to think of myself as non-confrontational, however I want to believe that I am now able to defend my boundaries.  This doesn’t mean that I am going to go around and start to create a disturbance, that’s not who I am and that is just drama.  However I believe I am now capable of facing the heat or the wrath or the volcano (well the jury is still out on volcano) even if I just stand tall and look the fire in the eye. Being present to the thoughts and the emotional energy of the situation can be life-changing if we give ourselves and others a chance to create some healthy heat.  We don’t always have to agree; that is what life is about.  It’s the disagreements and learning how to navigate and negotiate that can really show us what we are made of and teach us more about ourselves.

Body language speaks louder than words, so standing tall when being confronted and saying nothing can be very effective.  We don’t have to engage loudly in heated debates to be someone who can sustain them – so allowing silence to diffuse the fire until the point where calm is restored is beneficial for everyone.  It doesn’t have to be about the “win” unless it’s a win for all.  And sometimes when things don’t go our way it actually turns out for the best.  

I want to thank my good friend for raising these thoughts in conversation because just thinking about being non-confrontational in a confrontation has inspired me. It’s a lesson and an idea of another way to be engaged and to show people that we care.  It’s an act of love for them and a gift of love for us.

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